And I’d Thought I Was Heartless

Some time ago, I wrote the following entry on another blog after seeing a friend’s entry about losing someone.

Its… odd for me. Seeing entries about people who care.

A friend recently lost someone. Not a lover or family member, or a dear friend. But someone she knew for many years, and cared for. Not a peer, either. The person was older, an authority figure of a type.

I don’t know what that’s like.

I’ve lost people that were closer to me than that. I didn’t cry. I didn’t really even mourn.

Just over a year ago (Mother’s Day weekend) my now-husband lost his grandfather. He was bereft and I had absolutely no idea how to comfort him, what to say. Mostly, I awkwardly held him and gently rubbed his back while he grieved.

I felt nothing. I never do.

I’d like to say that it is shock or numbness as a self-defense tactic, but the truth this, that there are only 5 people I would actually be hurt to lose.

My husband, my sons, and my parents.

For them, I would cry. I would grieve. I would ache.

No one else touches me.

I might cry for my best friend. I honestly don’t know. So, at most, 6 people would inspire pain. Everyone else can go to hell, I guess. >.>

No wonder I’ve been called heartless.

Regrettably, life has proven me wrong. His name was Adam Lavasseur. He was introduced to me through my friend Tanya, whom I met via an online blogging community back in late 2007/early 2008. Adam and Tanya went to college together and were absolute best friends. They spoke every single day, multiple times a day. Tanya and I used to talk and see each other that much, but I moved 3,000 miles away and since then we’d lost contact. Adam, or AP, also used to talk that much, but sadly, over the past two years our communication dwindled and eventually fizzled out to virtually non-existent. We maintained a “Facebook friendship” and occasionally commented on each other’s doings, but that was the extent of it.

On August 11th, Tanya told me what happened. I didn’t believe her for a minute and even chastised her for playing such a cruel joke. I just… I couldn’t comprehend how something so horrible could be true. Then she told me how it happened. There had been a collision with a semi. That she’d seen him only hours before it happened. And that’s when I knew. He really was dead. It was like I got hit in the stomach with a sledge hammer. I hurt. I started crying and couldn’t stop. I cried for three days. For the first day and a half it was virtually non-stop. After that, randomly throughout the day I would burst into tears or tears would just begin streaming down my face without any other indication, as if my eyes had sprung a serious leak. Even now, 3 weeks later, I’m tearing up as I write this.

Adam, you are sorely missed.

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